Loneliness Is My Soft Hedgehog Armor — Loneliness, Complex Trauma, and the Ways We Quietly Reach for Connection
Author: Yiming Yuan, Therapist in MBG clinic NY office.
In everyday life, when someone says “I feel lonely,” it’s often hard for others to truly empathize. But if you say, “My dog lies by the door waiting for me to come home from work — all day, every day,” suddenly that loneliness becomes something people can see. We even say things like, “They look like a lonely dog,” to describe someone.
There's a “10-level loneliness handbook” that made the rounds online a while back — people really resonated with how it captured different shades of being alone :
Shopping alone 🛒
Going to a movie alone 🎬
Eating at a restaurant alone 🍝
Celebrating your birthday alone 🎂
Sick at home alone 🤒
Being alone in a crowd 👥
Being the only one not invited 📵
Crying alone with no one to call 😢
Grieving a loss alone 🖤
Undergoing surgery alone 🏥
What are the loneliest moments you’ve ever experienced? And what made them feel that way?
The U.S. Surgeon General once released a widely shared advisory stating: Lack of social connection is as dangerous as smoking 15 cigarettes a day — increasing the risk of heart disease, stroke, dementia, anxiety, depression, and even premature mortality. So maybe loneliness is the modern emotional equivalent of a daily cigar.
Kind of makes it sound like a real hot potato, doesn’t it?
Q: Would anyone ever choose loneliness?
A: Rather than a choice, it’s often a bodily instinct. For people with a history of complex trauma, safety might be found in loneliness rather than in relationships.
Q: What is complex PTSD (C-PTSD)?
A: At its core, C-PTSD reflects the lasting effects of ongoing trauma, especially when the source of harm is someone who was supposed to offer love and protection. We then grow up unsure of what — or who — we can trust at all.
If you’re someone living with complex trauma and still showing up for yourself in small ways — that’s already something worth honoring — please give yourself a hug. Tell yourself: I’ve made it this far on my own — that’s amazing.
If you often feel lonely, if you long for connection but still keep a distance from others, gently remind yourself: It's okay. That doesn’t mean I’m broken —it’s just the way I learned to protect myself.
Maybe we can start with parasocial or weak social connections — or maybe just by reconnecting with ourselves.
Q: What is Parasocial connections?
A: One-way relationships, usually with media figures or fictional characters. We know them, but they don’t know us. These connections skip the burdens of interaction and still provide a sense of closeness.
Here is what you can do to cope with it:
“With me” videos on Bilibili or YouTube: eating shows, immersive study sessions, camping, hiking, etc. There’s something for everyone.
The modern version of “seeing a doctor” — going to a concert, comedy show, play, or musical.
Let podcasts become your background sound.
Enjoy “cloud petting”, watching cats, dogs, or capybaras online.
Q: What is Weak social connections?
A: Low-effort, low-intensity relationships where you get to choose when and how much to engage.
Here is what you can do to cope with it:
Making a bit of small talk or simply offering a small smile to a barista or bubble tea shop staff.
Sending a short message to check in with a friend.
Joining interest-based groups online or offline (like online yoga/dance workout/book club, running, marathons, skiing, practicing qigong in the park or watching chess matches).
Q: How to connect with yourself?
A: Try these steps:
Journaling
Taking yourself to see mountains, rivers, lakes, and oceans (stay safe!)
If you’re open to it, working with a therapist to reflect on your relationship with yourself
References:
U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. (2023). Our epidemic of loneliness and isolation: The U.S. Surgeon General’s advisory on the healing effects of social connection and community.
Loneliness and social isolation as risk factors for mortality: A meta-analytic review. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 10(2), 227–237.
Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., & Layton, J. B. (2010). Social relationships and mortality risk: A meta-analytic review. PLoS Medicine, 7(7).
This article is brought to you by Elisha Lloyd, a psychotherapist and expressive art therapist working for Mind & Body Garden Psychology. If you or a loved one is seeking support from an autism specialist who values neurodiversity, learn more about working with Elisha Lloyd here.
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