Love in the Big City: Attachment, Projection, and Seeing Ourselves
Author: Yiming Yuan, Therapist in MBG clinic NY office.
In love, we see not only the other person—but also ourselves.
Love can feel like wholeness, happiness, or even redemption. Over time, though, our idealized projections often fade, revealing love’s true colors. Yet this doesn’t stop us from romanticizing. Even fleeting moments of being seen, understood, and cherished can feel profound—especially in the sleepless, concrete jungle of the big city, where love becomes a refuge.
Attachment Styles in Urban Romance
In the past, people turned to astrology, fortune-telling, or matchmaking to understand relationships. Psychology offers another lens: attachment styles.
Secure attachment
Securely attached individuals aren’t immune to love’s risks and hurts, but they carry a stable sense of self-worth and emotional safety.Anxious attachment
“Am I important enough to you?” Anxious partners often feel insecure, fearing abandonment or rejection.Avoidant attachment
“Distance creates beauty.” Avoidant partners value independence and may need more personal space, sometimes at the cost of closeness.Disorganized attachment
A mix of anxious and avoidant traits, often rooted in inconsistent or traumatic early experiences.
Attraction and Conflict: Two Sides of the Same Coin
As Bob Dylan once sang in Isis:
“What drives me to you is what drives me insane.”
In many relationships, the very qualities that first attract us can later stir conflict and reveal the most vulnerable parts of our hearts:
You may initially be drawn to a partner’s independence, only to later feel their distance makes you lonelier together than alone.
You may fall for their warmth and spontaneity, only to find these qualities bring instability to daily life.
You admire their sense of responsibility, but later find it rigid or inflexible.
You enjoy their humor and ease, but later feel dismissed during conflicts.
Their ambition and drive charm you, yet also bring pressure and burden in the relationship.
Their frankness and directness excite you, but can feel too sharp during arguments.
These reversals don’t always mean something is wrong. Intimacy magnifies traits and highlights our own inner vulnerabilities.
Repetition Compulsion and Projection
Psychology shows that we often repeat early relational patterns—unconsciously recreating dynamics with caregivers, hoping for a different ending.
We may also project unmet needs and old fears onto partners, expecting them to heal wounds that belong to our past. While this often creates cycles of disappointment, it also presents an opportunity: a chance to grow, to become aware, and to choose differently.
Love as a Mirror
Recognizing these patterns doesn’t make relationships easier overnight. But it does open the door to self-awareness. In crowded urban landscapes, intimacy offers more than belonging with another person—it invites us to cultivate self-belonging.
Finding Support
If you notice repeated struggles in your relationships—whether it’s anxiety about closeness, fear of abandonment, or feeling trapped in cycles of conflict—therapy can help.
At Mind & Body Garden Psychology, our therapists provide a safe, supportive space to:
Understand your attachment style
Identify repeating patterns in relationships
Heal from old wounds that affect intimacy
Learn new ways of relating, with both partners and yourself
Love in the big city can feel overwhelming. With support, it can also become a mirror for growth, resilience, and deeper connection.
Psychological services available in multiple languages (English, Mandarin, Cantonese, French, Turkish, etc.): 650-434-2563; admin@mindbodygarden.com. HSA/FSA accepted. Send us a text message on the phone, or call us and leave a voicemail.
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