Ambiguous Loss in Past Lives: Grieving the Selves, Relationships, and Time We’ve Lost
The film Past Lives, nominated at the 96th Academy Awards, weaves past and present together to tell the story of Nora, who moves from Seoul to Canada with her family, and eventually settles in New York. Perhaps in her journey, we can all catch glimpses of ourselves. When we look back on our own past lives, the childhood that has slipped away, the friendships or loves we once had, and the selves we used to be bring us both warmth and pain.
When we talk about grief, we often first think of those who have passed away. Rarely do we use the word “grief” to describe the passage of time, the former versions of ourselves, or the people and relationships that have quietly drifted away. Companions at different stages of life walk alongside us through important chapters, shaping who we are and becoming a part of us. Yet as time moves forward, our different choices and paths carry us in diverging directions.
What Is Ambiguous Loss?
Family therapist Dr. Pauline Boss introduced a concept called Ambiguous Loss:
A person or thing may be physically absent but still present in our emotional world:
Friends who have moved far away or faded from our lives
Family members lost in accidents
Loved ones who are missing and cannot be found
Or a past version of ourselves we remember with longing
A person may be physically present but emotionally or cognitively absent:
Loved ones with dementia or severe mental illness
Partners who suddenly withdraw emotionally in a relationship
Caregivers or companions who are near yet cold or avoidant
Past Lives and the Pain of Memory
In the film Past Lives, Nora’s story is in many ways a portrait of ambiguous loss. She leaves Seoul and grows distant from her childhood friend, her sense of identity, and her native language—separated by an ocean. Even as she builds a new life in New York, that unfinished relationship and former self never fully disappear. They linger quietly, tucked away in the dreams she still has in her mother tongue.
These ambiguous losses, because they lack clear endings, often leave us feeling confused, guilty, or stuck, unable to move forward. Traditional ways of coping—like grieving or saying goodbye—don’t fully apply in these situations. If you feel sadness and pain because of these ambiguous losses, it is completely normal. You have the right to experience these emotions.
Learning to Live with Unfinished Goodbyes
The Chinese American writer Yiyun Li said in an interview with host Chen Luyu on the podcast Flower On the Rock:
“I think there are certain hardships in life that you cannot get over, and you don’t need to. They are simply a part of life. In my own experience, I feel I exist within that pain; my existence is in that pain.”
Perhaps we don’t need to free ourselves from the past or force ourselves to “move on.” Instead, we can allow our memories and past selves to simply remain as part of our life story. To remember is to honor their importance, and in doing so, we are reminded to reflect on our present connections and how we use the time we still have.
When you look back on your past life, what comes to mind, and how do you choose to live with those ambiguous losses?
Author: Yiming Yuan, Therapist in MBG clinic NY office.
Psychological services available in multiple languages (English, Mandarin, Cantonese, French, Turkish, etc.): 650-434-2563; admin@mindbodygarden.com. HSA/FSA accepted. Send us a text message on the phone, or call us and leave a voicemail.
Appointment & Office Locations:
admin@mindbodygarden.com
Office 1 (Los Altos)
885 N. San Antonio Rd., Suite O, Los Altos, CA 94022
Office 2 (SF)
110 Gough Street #402, San Francisco, CA 94102
Office 3 (San Diego)
9920 Pacific Heights Blvd, Suite 150, San Diego, CA 92121
Office 4 (New York)
303 Fifth Avenue, Suite 901, New York, NY 10016