Is Your Inner Child Running Your Relationship? How to Find Security with Emotionally Focused Individual Therapy (EFIT)
Author: Xiaohong Wu, Therapist in MBG clinic NY office.
Have you ever overreacted to a small comment, felt inexplicably needy, or been suddenly overwhelmed by insecurity in your relationship?
You might tell yourself to “just get over it.” But what if these intense feelings aren’t really about the present moment?
What if they’re the voice of a younger you — your inner child — asking to be heard?
What Is the “Inner Child”?
Think of your inner child as a younger version of yourself that still lives within.
This isn’t just a metaphor — in attachment theory and Emotionally Focused Individual Therapy (EFIT (Johnson, 2019, 2021), your inner child represents your core emotional self.
This part of you learned, very early on, how love, safety, and belonging worked in your family system. It was constantly answering questions like:
“Am I safe?”
“Am I loved?”
“Can I depend on others?”
The answers you internalized formed your emotional blueprint — the one that still shapes how you love, react, and attach in adult relationships today.
Why Does the Inner Child Speak Up Now?
If you grew up in an environment that felt unstable, critical, or lonely, your inner child may have carried feelings of fear, shame, or longing for connection (Johnson, 2021).
When something in your adult relationship — like emotional distance or conflict — mirrors those old experiences, your inner child’s survival mode can get triggered.
The panic, rage, or despair that follows isn’t irrational; it’s a flashback of unmet needs.
The good news: these patterns can change.
EFIT provides a clear roadmap to help you recognize, regulate, and reparent those wounded parts, building emotional security from within.
What To Do When Your Inner Child Takes Over: A Practical EFIT-Inspired Guide
Step 1: Build Your Secure Base (The Foundation)
Before you can console the inner child, you need a "secure base"—your grounded adult self.
Tune In and Acknowledge (The Pause)
When you feel triggered (anxiety spikes, anger flares), pause. Place a hand on your heart and acknowledge what’s happening. Try saying: "My attachment alarm is going off. My inner child is feeling scared." This simple act of naming the fear allows your adult self to step in.
Name the Reactive Cycle
Identify your typical reaction. Do you become critical and demanding, or do you shut down and withdraw? Use this reframe: "My old pattern is showing up. When I feel insecure, my inner critic/pursuer comes out, or my protector tells me to hide." This separates you from the reaction.
Step 2: Access and Console the Inner Child (The Heart of the Work)
This is where you actively connect with and soothe the younger, wounded part of you.
1) Find the Primary Emotion (The "Raw Spot")
Go beneath the reactive emotion (anger, anxiety, frustration, hostility, resentment, blame) to find the hidden, vulnerable feeling (sadness, fear, shame, hurt, disappointment, feelings of rejection or abandonment). Ask yourself gently: "Little one, what are you really feeling? What are you so afraid of right now?" Listen for the core attachment need: "I need to feel safe. I need to know I matter."
2) Offer Unconditional Validation and Comfort
Respond with the compassion you would offer a frightened child.
Validation: "Of course you feel scared when you think you're being left. It makes perfect sense."
Presence: "I'm right here with you. You're not alone in this."
Affirmation: "You are worthy of love and connection, exactly as you are."
Pair this with a physical gesture, like hugging yourself, to signal safety to your nervous system.
3) Integrate the Adult Self
After the emotion settles, offer a new, secure perspective. "That feeling was so big and real. But look around you now, you are an adult. You are safe and have choices you didn't have as a child." This integrates the emotional brain with the logical brain.
Self-Care Practices for Ongoing Healing
Journaling
Try "Mapping the Trigger": "The trigger was ______. My reaction was ______. Underneath, my inner child feels ______ and needs ______."
Mindfulness & Grounding
When triggered, practice the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique, name 5 things you can see, 4 you can feel, 3 you can hear, 2 you can smell, and 1 you can taste. This pulls you out of the emotional flashback and into the present moment.
Building a Support Network
Engaging with supportive friends or a therapist provides external validation, reinforcing the internal work you are doing.
❤️ Final Thought
Healing isn’t about erasing your past — it’s about transforming your relationship with it. By learning to parent your inner child, you free yourself from old cycles and create the secure, loving relationships you’ve always deserved.
References
Johnson, S. M. (2019). Attachment Theory in Practice: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) with Individuals, Couples, and Families. The Guilford Press.
Johnson, S. M. (2021). A Primer for Emotionally Focused Individual Therapy (EFIT): Cultivating Fitness and Growth in Every Client. Routledge.
If you or someone you love is struggling with grief or depression, please seek help from a licensed mental health professional. At Mind & Body Garden Psychology, we’re committed to providing a safe, bilingual space for youth and families to grow stronger together. If you’re concerned about your teen’s mental well-being or would like to learn more about therapy options, contact us today or explore our blog for more resources.
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